Back in time for Greenbelt

By
Hazel Rolston on July 23, 2012
Well, one year later I've returned from obscurity!! What can I say only that I do mean to blog but I just don't get around to it!! (Despite a little reminder on my phone, which bleeps every day at 11am prompting me to do so!)

I like to think that it's the egocentricity of blogging that puts me off, but it may well be down to sheer laziness or a lack of interesting things to say!! Whatever I'm merely checking in to say I am alive and well and interested in any thoughts and comments you might have in relation to what I've written or said!

Talking of writing, you might hear me groan at the mention of that word as yes I am still writing the book that I started yonks ago, (my brief is 'spiritual encouragement for women who need it' ... er, am I writing for myself?) My final deadline is December 2012 so I guess I won't be blogging much during that time!!

It's been a busy summer, not least because I still have to pace myself. My physical health still gives me some headaches (not literally) due to a Lupus-like condition but with medical help I am learning how to manage it. My imminent challenge is speaking at a seminar at Greenbelt 2012 (for 15 minutes) along with Veronica Zundle and Jo Swinney who have both written on their experience of depression. I do love speaking and urging folk to be inventive in their love and care for others. Do drop in if you can, we would love to meet you. x


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another lengthy break in service!

By
Hazel Rolston
on July 10, 2011 11:27 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
Ok so who can I blame this time for my lengthy break in service? Sadly I can't blame the website manager or a software problem, more like a motivational issue with my good self!

Avoidance is a wonderful thing & I've been realising recently I'm pretty good at it, particularly when it comes to things that are slightly uncomfortable. So, I hear you asking, why would you find blogging uncomfortable?

Well without too much analysis, firstly it's been because I have been quite poorly. Not mental illness this time, no a very physical illness (which I've had on and off for many years & which did spur me on to write initially as it's made me face my own mortality) & is believed to be an auto-immune condition (still on steroids, though they help amazingly:) Awh I hear you sigh (maybe I am hearing extra noises!!) poor you and I guess that is partly why I didn't want to write about it. I mean I don't want lots of sympathy, nor do I want to bore the leg off you, the reader, with my dull tales of endless medical waiting rooms.

Secondly I think I would like to change how I write on the blog & didn't feel up to figuring that out. I mean it might not turn out to be very different when I try it, but I guess I would like to write more objectively than subjectively, i.e more about other things and less about myself. 

The reason this blog has been so much about me personally is that following the publication of Beyond the Edge I felt that I hadn't said enough in the book about my life in recovery. Also I wanted to give a snapshot into my life after getting published & banish any ideas that published writers are in any way 'special". Anyway, if I can find the time in the future (between writing a second book, working part-time in a school doing the odd bit of washing etc) I'd like to comment and refer to wider issues. Also I'd love it if you as the reader (there may well only be one:) would comment too.

So to end with a thought that kind of reinforces my aforementioned musings. Naughtily I skipped church this morning to write (should be my book but then decided to blog) & before I started I was reading an article over breakfast that my husband recommended in yesterday's paper entitled 'God's Boxer'. It's an interview with Rowan Williams, (which despite not being an anglican I found helpful & interesting). 

One of the themes of this interview is that 'Christianity should be an escape from self, not an indulgence of it' as Rowan has previously written "Jesus is the human event that reverses the flow of human self-absorption." Later in the article Rowan (is it ok for me to call him that?) distinguishes between self-absorption & self-scrutiny saying that the former thinks the most interesting thing in the world is myself whereas the later, which soberly examines ones self, is deeply part of the Christian experience. 

I have often worried about 'Beyond the Edge' being a reflection of my self-absorption rather than self-scrutiny but through this article am encouraged "to lay down the heavy burden of self-justifcation" & being angst ridden but instead remember the words of Mother Mary Clare who said "you don't have to suffer for the sins of the world darling. It's been done."





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Getting too much of a good thing.

By
Hazel Rolston
on August 4, 2010 9:38 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
It strikes me that I am getting old, rather than mature (not sure I have reached those lofty heights yet). Recently I went shopping with my 13 year old and as we entered the clothes shop I heard myself saying "it's far too dark in here and I wish someone would turn that lively music down!" Words I did not expect of myself... yet. 

I remember well rolling my eyes at my mum when she made similar statements many moons ago and now history is repeating itself. But genuinely, we could hardly see the clothes in this shop nor think clearly due to the deafening beat in our ears. "Well," I said to myself, "it is to be expected, you are getting on now (47)!"

But what I did not expect was a similar feeling at a Christian conference recently. Off I went for half a day, really wanting to meet God through worship and be touched by his Spirit. Granted I attended with a friend who is ten years my junior so when she suggested we attended the venue for 'younger' people I should have considered my suitability to it. But other friends, my peers, extolled its merits so I thought "great why not, I love lively singing", or do I? Honestly, I am beginning to rethink who I really am because although I enjoyed the evening, during the songs I felt as if I had joined a Harrison Ford movie set with its quick pace, loud background music and my breathlessness! I just longed for worship at a slower, more reflective pace. 

I guess my bottom line is "lively is good, but sometimes you can get too much of a good thing!"

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Glamour & Grunts!

By
Hazel Rolston
on July 19, 2010 11:33 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
Well after almost a year's break, I'm back to blogosphere! I wish I could say I'm back a size lighter and loads more sensible but current evidence suggests not, so don't worry this blog has still got loads of potential for crazy personal stories!

(By the way I am sorry to anyone who has been checking for new entries during that time. My absence was not due to an ambivalence to blogging but due to a technical error between my Publishers new computer software and my blog software! (At least that is my understanding of the problem.) 

Well I'm really glad to be back and will now give you a wee synopsis of my last year... which has included both 'Glamour' & grunts!

The past year has been mostly dominated with the highs and lows of trying to write another book. Early Autumn 2009 I was thrilled to hear that Inter-Varsity Press had accepted my proposal. They changed my brief slightly and suggested I wrote a book of short chapters, for women who are 'in need of encouragement', so initially I thought "that's a good idea, I'm writing for myself then!" 

But I just could not get started writing. What do they say, "too much analysis leads to paralysis"? Well that was me. Somehow I kept feeling the pressure to become Philipa Yancey (a female version of the very clever & inspirational Philip Yancey) and inside was freaking out as I realised I wasn't that person! 

Somewhat 'worked-up' in November I swapped my days off, (in my part-time job as a teaching assistant in a school for Deaf children) & went on a writers course to see if I could glean some help or inspiration. There Nick Page was talking about writing and just as we were leaving (we were standing on a railway platform waiting for our train!) I plucked up the courage to tell him of my angst. Nick reassured me of the common toil over writing a second book, (as folk, like me, usually have spent many years planning the first) and I returned home relieved and inspired to keep going!

But would you believe it in May 2010 I was still struggling to write? (I bet you're glad you didn't get an even more detailed account of this over the last 12 months!) Kindly I was invited to speak at Sandown Christian Resource Exhibition and again, strangely, just as I was waiting to leave (queuing for a taxi to be precise) I had a chance encounter (God works in mysterious ways) and very helpful and inspiring conversation. This time it was with the one and only Adrian Plass ('The Sacred Diary of Adrian Plass 37 1/2 ' being my all time favourite book), who I met on a previous writers course. Following my loud grunts to his question, "are you writing at the moment?" his advice to me was "keep it simple, be yourself, write authentically." 

I came home and thought "ok I need to stop trying to write in the style of a great theologian but just write in my own quirky style and take the consequences."  Over the next few weeks I wrote 3 more chapters, sent them off to my editor who liked them & told me I could continue writing, phew! (Watch this space for the ongoing saga.)

Finally the other and arguably much more exciting theme to the past year is that  Bluebell Nurses has got official charity status and you could help us achieve our first £10,000 by voting (free and online) for Ruth Jackson @ www.avonhellotomorrowfund.com. The charity which will employ specialist nurses to support women, and their families, affected by Post-Natal Depression in the U.K. has been short-listed to the final four in a competition in Glamour Magazine (in Association with Avon Cosmetics). Ruth Jackson, my friend and the charity's Project Manager, has been short-listed to the final four! Please, please take time to vote for her and tell your friends about this, as the fate of this £10,000 is now in the hands of the public vote!

Anyway, I've said more than enough... now it's over to you. I'd love to hear from you if you read this post, please do leave a comment....




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A nice review!

By
Hazel Rolston
on August 27, 2009 5:09 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
Due to the heat of the summer (not literally, a bit too busy) I thought I would cop out on blogging for another few days and just add in a nice review that came out recently and also plug the fact that IVP (my publisher) have £2 off my book at the moment (for 4 more days, sorry short notice!), just in case you or someone you know might like to buy it. (I am not very comfortable with the marketing side of writing but I guess I did write it so that others might read it and hopefully find it helpful.) Suffice to say after all the blood, sweat and tears it took to commit 'Beyond the Edge' to the written word, it is really encouraging to read such a nice review.

Beyond the Edge
by Hazel Rolston

4 stars

IVP / 9781844742165 / paperback / 170pp / £6.99

From the title, I expected this book to be heavy and depressing, but it wasn't. Hazel pours out her inner feelings and anxieties in such a natural way, as if you are sitting in the room with her and she is just explaining her inmost thoughts taking the reader with her on her journey from Despair to Hope. I feel that for anybody who suffers from any form of depression or anxiety (both male or female), or who knows someone else who does, this book would be very useful as it takes you in and through this minefield in a way that is very helpful and gives greater clarity and understanding of those problems. Also anybody who is trying to help or counsel such sufferers would find this a useful tool. I am glad to have read this book as it has given me a more open mind and also helped me to come to terms and understand some issues of my own.

Review by Janet Pollard

The dangers of an unattended laundry bin

By
Hazel Rolston
on July 5, 2009 8:36 PM | | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)
Jo asked in her last comment about my new book idea so I thought I would give you a brief explanation- as your comments on this idea would be gratefully received. I am thinking of writing a short book of daily readings which would combine anecdotal stories with a spiritual thought, for people suffering from Anxiety and Depression. It's far from definite yet but I kind of see it like a chocolate bar (if books were food) hopefully it would give people a boost, but it would not be theologically deep enough to keep you going all day in isolation! I think when we are feeling awful we want something that shows us that we are not alone in the idiotic aspects of life ......

procrastination cartoon
Starting to write again, as well as working part-time (in a school for Deaf children) has its consequences. Recently it was brought to my attention that as a result of my busyness I was not completely in control of my material world! This occurred one morning before school, when my daughter asked me to find her some vital undergarments and I found myself genuinely asking God to create some new ones, as I feared that none were clean. (I mean if God did create some, would he have his own label or get them from a local supplier?) It turned out that there was one little pair at the bottom of the ironing basket and I had a lucky escape. I know God can do amazing things but surely this was just the danger of an unattended laundry bin and I was asking too much of him? 

A work in progress

By
Hazel Rolston
on June 28, 2009 10:13 PM | | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)
There are a number of things in my life at the moment that are a 'work in progress'

Firstly my physical fitness  needs more training, as you can see from this photo which was taken a few weeks ago during the Race for Life. View image (I am looking perky because I had just started running again after a wee dander!)

Secondly my website! As you can see I've gone purple! It was sort of by accident. Peter, (my talented web designer) was on holidays, and as they say 'when the cat's away the mouse will play.' I was having a few problems my blog (I could not create an entry) so I tried fixing it myself and then started experimenting with the design! Anyway, Peter is back on the case so watch out for an improved version of this website!

Thirdly I have recently started to try an write another book, so potentially I have another literary 'work in progress' (we will see) and then there is the homelife, the garden..... and so it goes on.

Finally I guess I can't escape admitting that my spiritual life is also very much 'a work in progress'. I do imagine the Lord rolls his eyes a lot at my lifestyle particularly my inability to sit still and 'be' in his presence and was recently excited when I went on a Renovare training day at their tools to help achieve the spiritual disciplines. I certainly need to work on the Contemplative life. I am hoping to be involved in a Renovare group in September so watch this space for my progress report!



'Now we see things imperfectly'

By
Hazel Rolston
on May 12, 2009 5:09 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
I write to-day in sadness: Over the past 12 days some lovely friends of ours have endured the most excruciating of all hardships - the sudden loss of one of their dearly beloved children. Sam Riddall, their 11 year old son was killed in a hit and run accident as he left our church youth club. It is a tragic incident that has touched many lives worldwide, not least those from our church who witnessed and became involved in the trauma after leaving a prayer meeting.

Yet how do we respond to such tragedy as Christians? Well our pastor made a very good response on Radio 2 in the Jeremy Vine show on Friday which you can listen to here (the interview is in the 2nd half hour of the show) and I guess many others will have their own different and individual responses to it.

At the moment my response is deep sadness. I feel very sad for Martin and Rachel, that they have to go through this and also for Sam's brothers - what a pain to endure. If you know me you will know that I almost lost my own daughter when she was 10 weeks old and that I lost two other babies in early pregnancy, so I know a little of their pain. Yet I am sure theirs is much greater than mine: This is a child they have nurtured and loved for 11 years, held deep hopes and dreams for and now suddenly he has gone. All I can say is that I am thinking and praying for them constantly. It is my plea that they will by-pass some of my own reaction to loss and trauma; the deep depression, anxiety, anger and emptiness that threatens to crush all that is left behind.

So how can we make sense of these awful situations? My simple answer is we can't but the challenge we have been given as Christians is to trust God who can. Personally I am not interested anymore in trying to find a reason for everything as I have found that too belittling. I don't imagine God saying prior to suffering "right let's test their faith with this trauma" moreover I imagine Him saying "I am So sorry you have been so badly hurt, let me see what I can redeem from the agony of living in a fallen, broken world."

1 Corinthians 13:12  tells us that now we see things imperfectly but when we meet God we will see them with perfect clarity and I am now willing to accept that (it took some time). After all why waste time trying to see things in full when they are incomplete? Personally I think there is enough in the challenge to trust God, as we view our cloudy earthly image, whilst clinging to the hope that one day - the mist will lift.



 






How are you now?

By
Hazel Rolston
on April 22, 2009 9:00 AM | | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)
My daughter is still on Easter school holidays, so thought I would enter into the spirit of things and eat a chocolate cream egg while I blog.... bliss. (I have promised myself that I will make good use of the sugar boost that is coming my way and use it to do lots of housework!)

We are just back from ten days in Ireland, it was lovely - a time to relax with family and friends. (Though we missed seeing some friends - JanMary.) I was thrilled to get the opportunity to meet a number of my Southern Irish relatives, whom I have not seen for a long time. It was really lovely to see them again and meet their children. Many of them have read my book and wanted to talk to me about it and although initially I was cringing and worrying about their response to it - I need not have worried as they were all very supportive and encouraging.

However following these conversations it occurred to me that since publication people often ask me the same question "How are you now?" and it has made me wonder if I should have included more about life 'beyond the edge' in the book. So incase you have wanted to ask the same question, I thought I would blog my response. It went something like this....

"I am doing well thanks, I am busy working part-time as a teaching assistant in a school for Deaf Children and doing other bits and pieces linked to the book. I don't see myself as suffering from depression at the moment but I do recognise that I have to pace myself in order to feel well. I have learnt over the years that even exciting and energising activities can leave me feeling very low afterwards - it is as if my brain is like a leaky petrol tank and needs refilled more often than most. This means taking time out to rest. My OCD  is good at the moment: Stress is a big trigger and if I pace myself well and don't have to face too many challenges - I am not bothered with intrusive thoughts or cyclical anxious thinking on a daily basis."

In saying that I did have a blip the other night. I had what felt like a migraine headache (I don't usually get them) and suddenly felt as if a wall of fear fell on top of me, heavy frightening thoughts of impending doom. As I lay in the dark, fully clothed and unable to move due to immense pain and acute nausea, I cried out to God and asked him to lift each fear off me. It was as if He moved among them and whilst reassuring me of his presence, discarded them as rubble. The pain did not leave instantly, but I felt more at peace in it.

So how am I now? Generally good I would say, with wobbly moments and although I would prefer to report that I am super-strong all of the time I can see that God uses my vulnerabilities to keep me humbly relying on Him.





Skipping Church this morning....

By
Hazel Rolston
on March 29, 2009 10:35 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
Skipping Church this morning as I have succumbed to a nasty cold and thought as I chill to the sound of Classic FM with a decaffeinated coffee and jaffa cake in hand, I would blog. (Try the jaffa cake grab game! My best time is 12:89 can you beat it?) 

Been feeling a bit worried about my last entry as I was feeling a bit morose when I wrote it. I don't want any of my readers to feel burdened by my entries, yet I do want to maintain my integrity and report on life as it is - authenticity is important to me. However do let me know if they ever seem too heavy!

The sun is beaming this morning and I would love to report that despite my cold I am on top of the world but unfortunately it has been another tough week as I had to say good-bye to another dear friend. Val suffered from Multiple Sclerosis for at least 2 decades and I met her 14 years ago when we first moved to Bristol. She was great fun and at times we had such a laugh together. My favourite memory is when we went on a healing retreat together about 13 years ago and discovered that we were woken up each morning by a 'thought for the day' which boomed through a speaker into our individual rooms. Neither of us were too impressed as there was no switch to turn it off and were looking forward to a 'lie-in'. The next morning Val did not appear for breakfast and I knocked on her door. Waking her up I said "how did you sleep through the morning talk?" By this stage she had opened the door and I burst out laughing as I saw a number of towels draped over the speaker!

So it is with great sadness that I let go of Val, but when I think of life from her perspective I am glad that her suffering has ended and that she will now receive what she so much wanted; an imperishable body, which will be raised in glory and with power. 



All Things are Working

By
Hazel Rolston
on March 19, 2009 3:19 PM | | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)
Feeling a bit 'naff' to-day and wish that Bristol had some prayer surgeries up and running so that I could  'drop in' and receive some prayer. I am feeling mentally tired and a bit low. Steve, my husband has had some major health concerns recently which have been worrying us and I now realise that I miss the support at the school gate! My daughter entered Senior school last September and since then I have lost the opportunity to daily chat to other parents in the playground, at pick-up time. Now she walks home on her own. Having an only child means that these stages are over quicker for me than for my friends with multiple children and thus the ending feels premature.

Also I miss my friend who died recently, I still feel very sad that she took her own life and just wish she was still here. She was a great person.

So I have been asking myself, what is the hope of my faith? What can it give me when I am feeling anxious or low?

Reassurance that all things are in God's hands- the highs and the lows, the good and the bad. 

Until recently I struggled with Romans 8:28 as I thought it seemed a bit glib, but a little while ago I connected with this verse in a new way when I was taught a song within Bath Community Gospel Choir. The song is a Fred Hammond Song entitled 'All Things are Working and I fought the tears back as I sang words like 'All things are working for me, even things I can't see. Your ways are so beyond me but you said that you would let it be for my good, so I'll rest and just believe.' You can listen to this song if you click Fred Hammond. 

Since then I have decided that actually my faith is based on Romans 8:28 and that it helps me trust God, when I can't see that all things are working for me.


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