We are all at various stages of mental wellness!

By
Hazel Rolston
on November 16, 2008 7:44 PM | | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)
Oh its been too long since I've blogged and I have missed coming here to chat! So, I ask myself, what are my excuses? Well we are still trying to move house which is making life busier (- we have now sold and had a sale agreed on another house, so hope to move in the next few weeks!!) Also since I last wrote my daughter has been on half term and I have been involved in setting up a post-natal depression support group.

Also I have had a little flurry of activity related to the book, which comes with inevitable highs and lows of life! First of all it would be dishonest of me not to acknowledge that I had a rather humbling book launch in Edinburgh. The early warning signs were there, when on arrival before the event I was told that there were only 3 chairs available for folk to sit on, though little did I know at this early stage that this was in fact a prophetic word:) (In fact only 2 people came, though I could have sat on the other one!) It was tempting to let old words of failure in at this stage but thankfully this book has never been about numbers, if one person is significantly helped - that is good enough for me (though it would be nice if it helped more) and I really enjoyed chatting to those who came - thank-you.

Then last week I visited Torch Trust Retreat Centre at Hurstpierpoint. I received such a warm welcome and had such a lovely time with the guests, whilst sharing our stories that I left really encouraged.

Then yesterday I was involved in a local event on Spirituality and Mental Health organised by Hope's Place. Again folk responded generously to my brief chat about my experience Beyond the Edge and I sold another 25 copies. THANK-YOU so much for your generous response, it inspires me to keep talking about the struggle it can be - to be a Christian who is mentally ill. 

Interestingly we were challenged yesterday by one lady, who described herself as a 'service user' to consider that we are all at various stages of mental wellness or illness (rather than seeing some as mentally ill and others as healthy) but that we really struggle to admit that - particularly within 'the Church'. Since then I have been thinking about this. Certainly prior to my anxiety & depression I was pretty pious and did not like to think of myself as less than 100% strong. Yet now I look back on that notion as flawed: Even though my brush with depression and anxiety has left me more vulnerable mentally, (if I get overtired or stressed I can feel quite low or very anxious) I no longer view that as a weakness, in fact I think it takes more strength of character to keep living positively for God on an emotional rollercoaster. Finally the other encouraging fact is how God redeems our so say 'weaknesses' as promised, in 2 Corinthians 12:9 and I can honestly say that since I have started admitting them I have seen more evidence of God's power than ever before!




Life continues to be interesting...

By
Hazel Rolston
on October 7, 2008 5:18 PM | | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

This past week has been full of highs and an odd low. Firstly, one week ago to-day I visited Torch Trust a Christian organisation that produces Christian literature in formats that blind and partially sighted people can read. I am thrilled that my book is being transcribed into a talking book and last week I was given the opportunity to read the introduction for this recording. 

Also I had the opportunity to be interviewed by Marilyn Baker for Premier Radio programme Insight. This interview should be broadcast on 16 & 23rd Nov. I really enjoyed meeting Marilyn again (we met when I was a child, through my parents links with Torch Trust) and was thrilled with the opportunity to talk with her. Over lunch we had an dynamic discussion on the accessibility of the church for people with visual impairments e.g. the challenges of spontaneous worship when led by the Spirit! I came home inspired to strive to make sure my church is accessible for people with visual impairments, through the Four Step Programme, as our conversation also reminded me of my own experience of feeling barred from church life (chapter 7 Beyond the Edge). However I was also challenged that Churches should strive for more than access, rather ensure that people with visual impairments, like all members of the church, should be fully included to use and develop their gifts within the life of the church. 

A few days later I attended the Mind and Soul Conference. The long and the short of it I was given the opportunity to plug my book to the 500 delegates. (I did wonder if my heart would stay in position prior to getting on stage, it felt as if it was about it make its own debut!) Afterwards I had the most wonderful response from people, mostly fellow sojourners, who warmly received my 2 minute account of my depression. I tell you the truth, it makes all the days when I was writing my manuscript in the library, including the weeping and rotting of the antique table, all worth while!

To-day I hit a slight low. Kindly my publisher entered me for a literary competition and to-day I heard I was not short-listed. I did not write for literary acclaim but I would be lying if I did not own up to some disappointment, but hey that is ok! I have had such an amazing week that I have no regrets. Thank-you to all who came and spoke to me at the conference and please dooooooo email (or comment using the box below) any thoughts or feelings on my book if you would like to: I sold 26 in one hour! Thank-you so much for your support and I hope that in some way you have found it helpful. x




God needs a gong!

By
Hazel Rolston
on September 10, 2008 3:25 PM | | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)
Sorry I have not blogged for a while, been too busy, (however it is my intention to blog more often... soon!) My daughter has just started Senior School. So, in part, the past few weeks have been spent negotiating my way past other exasperated parents who were also trying to persuade their determined young ones to buy the practical shoes on offer and not the trendy pair hiding in the back streets of a yet undiscovered shoe shop!

Also at the moment we are trying to sell our house (think this decision proves that we do believe in miracles!) which has completely preoccupied my mind and absorbed my time. (Keeping it tidy ugh!)

Suffice to say it has been pretty "full on" recently and I thought I would also take this opportunity to mention a couple of other things I am involved in at the moment:

1. I am going to be involved in setting up a Post-Natal Depression Support group with colleagues from Hopes Place in the Greenaway Centre in Bristol. This group is starting early October 2008 so please do email me if you or someone you know is interested in coming along. I would really love to hear from you. The group will run for 6 weeks initially and we will be running a creche alongside this morning session. Costs have been covered by monies raised by Bluebell Day so we are just asking for a contribution of £1 towards tea and coffee.

2. Also soon I am going to have a book launch in Scotland. Crossreach (an excellent charity run by the Church of Scotland's Board of Social Witness) run a number of fantastic services for women with post-natal depression and they have very kindly agreed to support a launch of Beyond the Edge. Please check events page of this website for further details.

One thing I don't like about being too busy is that I feel as if the noise of my hectic world drones out God's still small voice, something which I normally rely on. The quiet reflective times in my day give me time to read, think, pray and worship and when life is too hectic I feel as if God needs a gong to get through to me! Yet God is gracious and as Elijah illustrates He is willing to speak to us in different ways (though I guess we do need to make time for Him): Sometimes He speaks through the spectacular and at other times in a gentle whisper.

I smart at times with the sting of my story

By
Hazel Rolston
on August 24, 2008 9:49 PM | | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)
Feeling the need to blog! Felt a bit churned up earlier to-day. Received my issue of Christianity Magazine yesterday and read the feature about me in The Day I..... Cringed! Although Ruth Dickinson writes well, I guess I have been telling myself that most people have not read the book and therefore my story is not that well known. However now I reckon more folk might read the magazine article and suddenly I feel more exposed. Coupled with the fact that I knew my interview with Jeff Lucas and Ruth Dearnley was being aired this evening on Premier Radio, I was left with mixed emotions.

Although it has been great to have been given the chance by IVP to get my writing published and to speak of it on the radio with Jeff and Ruth (even if I did get into a right old fuss about what to wear for the radio interview and ended up buying a top in Asda the night before at 10pm!) ... it is not always easy to think of people knowing my story: I am not proud of aspects of it, in fact in some ways it is hard to stand by my own truth. 

Yet when I turn my attention away from my feelings towards those who are suffering from similiar afflictions I feel differently: Only this evening did I visit a Christian friend in a secure mental health unit and suddenly my bruised ego melted away. Hearing the nurse's keys jangle as she walked the length of the ward towards me, to let me in, was enough to remind me that I narrowly missed hospital admission myself and how awful it is to be in a state of mental collapse.

I may smart at times with the sting of my story, but if it can act as a balm to soothe the aloneness and terror of another's mental turmoil - then it is totally worth it. 

The summer is flying by...

By
Hazel Rolston
on August 12, 2008 10:50 PM | | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)
I write this morning bleary-eyed and with a fresh orange juice on hand, in my favourite cafe. (Recently I reached a new high on the weighing scales so am forcing myself to have the healthy option, though if another person waves a full breakfast front of me I may have to succumb! The sight and smell of bacon is driving me crazy!)

The summer is flying by and despite returning to Bristol it feels like I’ve moved back to Ireland: The constant rain bringing a rich emerald glow to the countryside. So far, due to being busy, I have obsessed less than usual about the weaknesses of parenting skills, which always seem more pronounced in the summer weeks. Although I have only one child, (therefore less practical chores than a family of five) I must admit that we do not spend the summer months constantly making and creating works of art. Too much telly is always an issue, as are my organisational skills and our ability to leave the house on time!

But so far it has been good. Despite minor health challenges we had a great time in N. Ireland seeing family and friends, and even the Maxi dress got an airing at Steve’s cousin’s lovely wedding!

maxi2.jpg
(Photo as requested by Janmary, sorry don't have full length photo of dress!)

Likewise Steve had a good time in Rwanda, with his sister and dad, though his recently broken ribs (another unlikely story from the Rolston’s) did not appreciate the long bumpy roads!

Steve in Rwanda.jpg
Last night I returned from Signs of God Summer School which was great, though both humbling and challenging: Facing the fact that even after years of practice I still can’t  make my hands do what I want them to do. Yet the teaching, worship and conversations in BSL were wonderful and the week was another reminder to me that if I am willing to give God my impaired states, He can bring something valuable out of them.

In the absence of a hot sun...

By
Hazel Rolston
on August 4, 2008 9:20 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

the-heat.gif

I know I reflected in my last blog that God was with us whatever the weather, but thought this cartoon by Dave Walker might also lend a hand during this rainy spell and in the absence of a hot sun scorching on our heads!  

God promises to stick around whatever the weather!

By
Hazel Rolston
on July 17, 2008 9:11 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
Thought I would add a wee entry as shortly my daughter and I are going to visit family and friends in N.I. and as summer arrives I wonder how others feel about it?

Summer is not my favourite season! I am not sure why, whether it is due to my celtic roots and thus fair skin that I shrink from the scorching sun or is it due to the pressure to look like a 'yummy mummy' that makes me want to stay in my winter woolies rather than expose my adipose tissue (medical term for fat) to the summer rays? Either way I find it a bit of a struggle and during the summer holidays I miss the routine of the rest of the year. 

My memories of being depressed in the summer are even worse. It felt as if even the weather had ganged up against me and as the sun shone it was as though it goaded me that life was bright for all others. Yet I am reminded of those words in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 that it is not and that in fact there is a 'time for everything and a season for every activity' v 1. Including 'a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance' v4.

If while reading this your life is in a sad season please remember you are not alone and that there are others around who share it with you and even if you feel that God has 'left your building'  please remember that Deut 31:6 promises that God does not abandon his children and thus will stick around whatever the weather! 







A hidden oasis.

By
Hazel Rolston
on July 11, 2008 6:16 AM | | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)
Yesterday I visited an organisation in Bristol, that supports people coming off prescribed medication, Bristol & District Tranquilliser Project, and I just wish I had known about them before. 

I still have vivid memories of driving through 'The Downs' (a big grassy area in Bristol) 6 years ago, while on my way to a mums and toddlers group and asking myself "am I the only person in Bristol who is experiencing awful withdrawal symptoms and who has to dip their finger into a crushed antidepressant before starting every day?" Although I had never experimented with any recreational drugs, I felt like a drug addict. I was taking Seroxat for anxiety and depression at the time, (before it was available as a syrup to help withdrawal). This medication had been my 'wonder drug' but I was learning that coming off it was not so wonderful for me!

It is important to say at this point that not everyone has difficulty coming off medication. Steve, my husband, came off his anti-depressants quite easily and with little affect, yet for others it can be a very difficult process. 

However what bothers me about my discovery is that there was an organisation, little more than a mile away, that could have given me comfort through easing my aloneness and I did not know anything about it. I wonder if this is true for anyone reading this blog? It is so difficult to look for services when you are suffering yourself or supporting someone close to you, but what a shame to miss out on vital help. Maybe another quick internet search or a chat with your G.P could lead you or your loved one to a hidden oasis? I hope so.



A moment of frivolity!

By
Hazel Rolston
on June 25, 2008 5:50 PM | | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)
The trouble with being a Christian writer is that it comes with expectations. Expectations of myself, i.e "am I measuring up to who I should be as a child of God and as one who has committed her journey to the written word?"Coupled with those of others, "is she who I expect her to be, since I have bought her book and she claims to follow God?" Finally add in the expectations of God, as said through the words of Jesus: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23 (New International Version)
Is it any wonder I come to my blog with fear and trepidation of how much of my real self I should reveal as I fear I live up to none of these expectations. However today I just want to confess that I am a fickle, trite individual who is capable of a moment of frivolity, as well as someone who deeply wants to connect with God and share the hope of my faith: Despite having not received any royalties yet, I have probably just blown the next three years worth (I jest, I hope sales won't be that bad) on a.... maxi dress and not on a new high tech Biblical concordance I as fear I should! Yes the long flowing dress with elaborate bodice (that is designed for the elegant willowy figure, rather than my pear shaped one!!) was half price and I succumbed to the excuse that my brother is soon to be married and that I would like a really stunning outfit for his big day.
I am still not sure how God has viewed this impetus act, but I don't think that he wants us to be miserable and never able to step out and enjoy a moment of madness! (I will let you know if He tells me otherwise). In the meantime I have decided to pretty much be myself in this blog, after all what's the point in pretending to be someone else when the one person I want to impress already knows who I am!

Steps that led to a brighter place.

By
Hazel Rolston
on June 3, 2008 7:13 PM | | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)
I am now back in Bristol following a week in 'Norn Iron.' It was absolutely lovely to meet old &  new friends through the events'. Thank-you so much for support and I really hope that something I said or that you have since read has been helpful to you or your loved one.

Recently it has really struck me how many different people are affected by post-natal depression, as I not only spoke to women with post-natal depression but also concerned supporters such as husbands, brothers, aunts and neighbours. Most folk are keen to know what helped me out of my wild place. Thus this week's blog is a wee synopsis of some of the steps that, as discussed in my book, led me to a brighter place.

  • Continuing to practice my faith, through praying, attending Church and a mums' group, helped me to maintain Christian hope & resist the lure of Despair, (even though at times I felt as if God and his people had abandoned me).
  • Medication and professional help. Finding the right medication and a good psychiatrist were a really important part of my recovery, but even the initial not-so-brilliant treatments helped release me from my 'crater'.
  • Practical and Emotional support from family and friends, e.g. help to clean my house, support to look after Katherine when I attended appointments or a compassionate listening ear at the end of a phone all gave me strength to take vital steps out of my depression.
  • Taking small risks when able, e.g. going to the supermarket, meeting up with friends for short periods, taking a daily rest, all led me to recover so that I could take bigger steps e.g. facing my fears in counseling, learning new skills to challenge negative thinking through cognitive behavioural therapy and attending a british sign language class. All of these helped me to renew my confidence, feel more hopeful and thus climb out of my depression.
A couple of extras steps, (not in the book);
  • A morning shower. During my depression coincidently we got a new shower and I discovered that if I had a drenched myself with warm water every morning it helped me feel a little better. Often I prayed that as the water covered me that the Holy Spirit would also cover and protect me.
  • Going to the cinema alone! Some evenings I felt so awful that I just needed to spontaneously escape from my mental captors (whose voices seemed louder when I was at home in the evening) so when Steve returned from work I set off to the cinema alone! I found a large cinema screen demanded my attention and a girly film helped me cry. Because I found it hard to predict my desperate feelings, often my need to get out did not coincide with others availability and I became comfortable with only my personal selection of sugary 'Pic & Mix' in hand!
Maybe you would like to share what steps have led you through your depression to a brighter place? If so I, and I am sure many others, would be thrilled to read your comments.

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