I know I reflected in my last blog that God was with us whatever the weather, but thought this cartoon by Dave Walker might also lend a hand during this rainy spell and in the absence of a hot sun scorching on our heads!
Thought I would add a wee entry as shortly my daughter and I are going to visit family and friends in N.I. and as summer arrives I wonder how others feel about it?
Summer is not my favourite season! I am not sure why, whether it is due to my celtic roots and thus fair skin that I shrink from the scorching sun or is it due to the pressure to look like a 'yummy mummy' that makes me want to stay in my winter woolies rather than expose my adipose tissue (medical term for fat) to the summer rays? Either way I find it a bit of a struggle and during the summer holidays I miss the routine of the rest of the year.
My memories of being depressed in the summer are even worse. It felt as if even the weather had ganged up against me and as the sun shone it was as though it goaded me that life was bright for all others. Yet I am reminded of those words in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 that it is not and that in fact there is a 'time for everything and a season for every activity' v 1. Including 'a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance' v4.
If while reading this your life is in a sad season please remember you are not alone and that there are others around who share it with you and even if you feel that God has 'left your building' please remember that Deut 31:6 promises that God does not abandon his children and thus will stick around whatever the weather!
Yesterday I visited an organisation in Bristol, that supports people coming off prescribed medication, Bristol & District Tranquilliser Project, and I just wish I had known about them before.
I still have vivid memories of driving through 'The Downs' (a big grassy area in Bristol) 6 years ago, while on my way to a mums and toddlers group and asking myself "am I the only person in Bristol who is experiencing awful withdrawal symptoms and who has to dip their finger into a crushed antidepressant before starting every day?" Although I had never experimented with any recreational drugs, I felt like a drug addict. I was taking Seroxat for anxiety and depression at the time, (before it was available as a syrup to help withdrawal). This medication had been my 'wonder drug' but I was learning that coming off it was not so wonderful for me!
It is important to say at this point that not everyone has difficulty coming off medication. Steve, my husband, came off his anti-depressants quite easily and with little affect, yet for others it can be a very difficult process.
However what bothers me about my discovery is that there was an organisation, little more than a mile away, that could have given me comfort through easing my aloneness and I did not know anything about it. I wonder if this is true for anyone reading this blog? It is so difficult to look for services when you are suffering yourself or supporting someone close to you, but what a shame to miss out on vital help. Maybe another quick internet search or a chat with your G.P could lead you or your loved one to a hidden oasis? I hope so.
The trouble with being a Christian writer is that it comes with expectations. Expectations of myself, i.e "am I measuring up to who I should be as a child of God and as one who has committed her journey to the written word?"Coupled with those of others, "is she who I expect her to be, since I have bought her book and she claims to follow God?" Finally add in the expectations of God, as said through the words of Jesus: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23 (New International Version)
Is it any wonder I come to my blog with fear and trepidation of how much of my real self I should reveal as I fear I live up to none of these expectations. However today I just want to confess that I am a fickle, trite individual who is capable of a moment of frivolity, as well as someone who deeply wants to connect with God and share the hope of my faith: Despite having not received any royalties yet, I have probably just blown the next three years worth (I jest, I hope sales won't be that bad) on a.... maxi dress and not on a new high tech Biblical concordance I as fear I should! Yes the long flowing dress with elaborate bodice (that is designed for the elegant willowy figure, rather than my pear shaped one!!) was half price and I succumbed to the excuse that my brother is soon to be married and that I would like a really stunning outfit for his big day.
I am still not sure how God has viewed this impetus act, but I don't think that he wants us to be miserable and never able to step out and enjoy a moment of madness! (I will let you know if He tells me otherwise). In the meantime I have decided to pretty much be myself in this blog, after all what's the point in pretending to be someone else when the one person I want to impress already knows who I am!
I am now back in Bristol following a week in 'Norn Iron.' It was absolutely lovely to meet old & new friends through the events'. Thank-you so much for support and I really hope that something I said or that you have since read has been helpful to you or your loved one.
Recently it has really struck me how many different people are affected by post-natal depression, as I not only spoke to women with post-natal depression but also concerned supporters such as husbands, brothers, aunts and neighbours. Most folk are keen to know what helped me out of my wild place. Thus this week's blog is a wee synopsis of some of the steps that, as discussed in my book, led me to a brighter place.
- Continuing to practice my faith, through praying, attending Church and a mums' group, helped me to maintain Christian hope & resist the lure of Despair, (even though at times I felt as if God and his people had abandoned me).
- Medication and professional help. Finding the right medication and a good psychiatrist were a really important part of my recovery, but even the initial not-so-brilliant treatments helped release me from my 'crater'.
- Practical and Emotional support from family and friends, e.g. help to clean my house, support to look after Katherine when I attended appointments or a compassionate listening ear at the end of a phone all gave me strength to take vital steps out of my depression.
- Taking small risks when able, e.g. going to the supermarket, meeting up with friends for short periods, taking a daily rest, all led me to recover so that I could take bigger steps e.g. facing my fears in counseling, learning new skills to challenge negative thinking through cognitive behavioural therapy and attending a british sign language class. All of these helped me to renew my confidence, feel more hopeful and thus climb out of my depression.
A couple of extras steps, (not in the book);
- A morning shower. During my depression coincidently we got a new shower and I discovered that if I had a drenched myself with warm water every morning it helped me feel a little better. Often I prayed that as the water covered me that the Holy Spirit would also cover and protect me.
- Going to the cinema alone! Some evenings I felt so awful that I just needed to spontaneously escape from my mental captors (whose voices seemed louder when I was at home in the evening) so when Steve returned from work I set off to the cinema alone! I found a large cinema screen demanded my attention and a girly film helped me cry. Because I found it hard to predict my desperate feelings, often my need to get out did not coincide with others availability and I became comfortable with only my personal selection of sugary 'Pic & Mix' in hand!
Maybe you would like to share what steps have led you through your depression to a brighter place? If so I, and I am sure many others, would be thrilled to read your comments.
It's been too long since I last blogged, sorry, lots has been happening. Steve and I have been on holiday for a few days to Lee Abbey while our daughter was away on a school trip (the last time we were away on our own together we had to get rescued by the RNLI on a beach near Clovelly, but that is another story!) Adrian and Bridget Plass were speaking and we really enjoyed their sessions. In particular I was comforted by their belief that "Nothing is wasted, bad things add texture to our lives, what has been is what we offer to others." Phrases like this help me to justify my earlier 'spiritual striptease' in the open mic session, read by Bridget from Beyond the Edge!
On my return I spoke at an event in Bristol organised by a local charity, Hopes Place. We were an intimate gathering but no less meaningful and my heart was thrilled as we discussed depression and despair with honesty, hope and faith. Also I have been to two other meetings, to discuss suppporting families affected by PND, which were very encouraging - one regarding the development of Bluebell Nurses and the other involved training by Liz Wise.
It seems ironic that I am writing about 'nothing being wasted' just after I have put the recycling and food waste outside! Certainly in a spiritual context I do believe this to be true, however I can't help thinking that the Lord is raising His eye and suggesting I try a little harder on the material waste front! Anyway that aside, I am off to N. Ireland for a couple of events next week. Please do come if you can to either event (see forthcoming events page), as I am always keen to meet folk who like to discuss the recycling process, (preferably the spiritual one)!
It's is late Sunday night but I thought before another week gets under way I would jot a few thoughts about a recent event: Last Friday I attended a conference in Birmingham entitled 'Improving Mental Health in the Developing Countries - what role can you play?' It was organised by PRIME a Christian Healthcare organisation (PRIME Home).
It was an interesting day though also shocking, to say the least, when I learnt that some developing countries do not have any medical experts in Psychiatry at all (i.e. a Psychiatrist)! The thought of others suffering suicidal thoughts or obsessive anxieties without medical intervention makes me shudder and helps me to realise a fresh how fortunate we are in this country. Although there still is a lot of taboo over seeking psychiatric help, lets thank God to-day that we do at least have the opportunity to seek help from these experts.
I am not sure what role I can play to improve the mental health of others in developing countries at the moment, but the conference did whet my appetite to find out more as I am challenged to consider what Jesus said: ' whatever you do not do for the least of these, you do not do for me.' (Matt 25:45)
I am sitting in a messy living room inside an even more chaotic house. Once I
finish my entry I need to go and sort out many dislodged household goods which
were moved for our decorator! (You can tell which tasks I prefer to do.... give
me a laptop any day!) My excuse is that I have not written for 3 weeks, so the
house can wait but this entry can not!!
The Launches initiated a huge learning curve for me in the past few weeks,
since they have thrust me from the back seat of a few events' to the centre
stage and despite some technical hitches feel strangely guilty to tell you that
I enjoyed them! Although it did feel very bizarre to sit at the front and hold
the microphone to the realisation that I was about to speak, yet I was surprised to
discover that I enjoyed talking about my story and sharing its highs and
lows.
Also I have been very grateful to the many kind people, family, friends and
interested individuals who came along and graciously bought a copy of my book
and asked me to sign it. I have loved sitting (with my new pen) and signing
copies of my book whilst listening to others' stories. Often I have felt humbled
and inadequate as I hear of their turmoil and have been reminded that this cruel
illness still captures innocent parties.
Recently, at Spring Harvest, Steve Chalke reminded us that God can take
even our 'five loaves and two fish' (Matt 14: 16-18) and use them for his
purposes. This inspires me to continue to implore God to do something
significant in the lives of others through my meagre offering of myself, in the
centre stage, with my book.
This week my pre-occupation is preparing for my book launches; one in N. Ireland and the other in Bristol, (details of the launches can be found at IVP's website).
Last Friday (the day of publication) came and went and consequently, as far as I know, some of my books are on some shelves somewhere! I hope if you are someone who has purchased a copy of 'Beyond the Edge' that it has been/will be helpful in some way. I guess my hearts desire is to connect with anyone who can resonate with my life; to accompany a fellow sojourner and if necessary help divert their route away from the lure of Despair.
I feel pretty nervous as I 'launch', as l am just an ordinary woman who has committed her story to the written word and it feels very unusual to be the focus of these gatherings. Yet it is my hope that unfamiliar as I am to such events' that God is not, and that He has gone ahead of me to prepare the way as I launch into uncharted waters.
Hi there, welcome to my first ever blog.
This is the week that 'Beyond the Edge' comes onto the book shelves and I am tucked up in bed with another cold! My body has a nasty habit of pointing out to me when I am feeling stressed!!
On one hand I am excited about finally getting my book published as it seems to have been one long obsession. I first started seriously thinking and talking about writing it 8 years ago! Poor Steve, my husband, has had to listen to my musings for many days, (hopefully not every day for the last 8 years as that would be 2922!)
Yet admittedly, on the other hand I am nervous about it finally going to print. My old ego is constantly muttering in my ear "what on earth are people going to think of you when they read it?" and that becomes pretty tiresome and sometimes freaks me out. Hence I do feel that it is significant for me that it is being released on Good Friday, a day when Christians reflect on the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus made for us on the cross, so that we might be reunited with him and helps to keep my current step of faith in perspective!
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