(By the way I am sorry to anyone who has been checking for new entries during that time. My absence was not due to an ambivalence to blogging but due to a technical error between my Publishers new computer software and my blog software! (At least that is my understanding of the problem.) 

Well I'm really glad to be back and will now give you a wee synopsis of my last year... which has included both 'Glamour' & grunts!

Starting to write again, as well as working part-time (in a school for Deaf children) has its consequences. Recently it was brought to my attention that as a result of my busyness I was not completely in control of my material world! This occurred one morning before school, when my daughter asked me to find her some vital undergarments and I found myself genuinely asking God to create some new ones, as I feared that none were clean. (I mean if God did create some, would he have his own label or get them from a local supplier?) It turned out that there was one little pair at the bottom of the ironing basket and I had a lucky escape. I know God can do amazing things but surely this was just the danger of an unattended laundry bin and I was asking too much of him? 

Firstly my physical fitness  needs more training, as you can see from this photo which was taken a few weeks ago during the Race for Life. View image (I am looking perky because I had just started running again after a wee dander!)

Secondly my website! As you can see I've gone purple! It was sort of by accident. Peter, (my talented web designer) was on holidays, and as they say 'when the cat's away the mouse will play.' I was having a few problems my blog (I could not create an entry) so I tried fixing it myself and then started experimenting with the design! Anyway, Peter is back on the case so watch out for an improved version of this website!

Thirdly I have recently started to try an write another book, so potentially I have another literary 'work in progress' (we will see) and then there is the homelife, the garden..... and so it goes on.

Finally I guess I can't escape admitting that my spiritual life is also very much 'a work in progress'. I do imagine the Lord rolls his eyes a lot at my lifestyle particularly my inability to sit still and 'be' in his presence and was recently excited when I went on a Renovare training day at their tools to help achieve the spiritual disciplines. I certainly need to work on the Contemplative life. I am hoping to be involved in a Renovare group in September so watch this space for my progress report!

Yet how do we respond to such tragedy as Christians? Well our pastor made a very good response on Radio 2 in the Jeremy Vine show on Friday which you can listen to here (the interview is in the 2nd half hour of the show) and I guess many others will have their own different and individual responses to it.

At the moment my response is deep sadness. I feel very sad for Martin and Rachel, that they have to go through this and also for Sam's brothers - what a pain to endure. If you know me you will know that I almost lost my own daughter when she was 10 weeks old and that I lost two other babies in early pregnancy, so I know a little of their pain. Yet I am sure theirs is much greater than mine: This is a child they have nurtured and loved for 11 years, held deep hopes and dreams for and now suddenly he has gone. All I can say is that I am thinking and praying for them constantly. It is my plea that they will by-pass some of my own reaction to loss and trauma; the deep depression, anxiety, anger and emptiness that threatens to crush all that is left behind.

So how can we make sense of these awful situations? My simple answer is we can't but the challenge we have been given as Christians is to trust God who can. Personally I am not interested anymore in trying to find a reason for everything as I have found that too belittling. I don't imagine God saying prior to suffering "right let's test their faith with this trauma" moreover I imagine Him saying "I am So sorry you have been so badly hurt, let me see what I can redeem from the agony of living in a fallen, broken world."

1 Corinthians 13:12  tells us that now we see things imperfectly but when we meet God we will see them with perfect clarity and I am now willing to accept that (it took some time). After all why waste time trying to see things in full when they are incomplete? Personally I think there is enough in the challenge to trust God, as we view our cloudy earthly image, whilst clinging to the hope that one day - the mist will lift.

 

We are just back from ten days in Ireland, it was lovely - a time to relax with family and friends. (Though we missed seeing some friends - JanMary.) I was thrilled to get the opportunity to meet a number of my Southern Irish relatives, whom I have not seen for a long time. It was really lovely to see them again and meet their children. Many of them have read my book and wanted to talk to me about it and although initially I was cringing and worrying about their response to it - I need not have worried as they were all very supportive and encouraging.

However following these conversations it occurred to me that since publication people often ask me the same question "How are you now?" and it has made me wonder if I should have included more about life 'beyond the edge' in the book. So incase you have wanted to ask the same question, I thought I would blog my response. It went something like this....

"I am doing well thanks, I am busy working part-time as a teaching assistant in a school for Deaf Children and doing other bits and pieces linked to the book. I don't see myself as suffering from depression at the moment but I do recognise that I have to pace myself in order to feel well. I have learnt over the years that even exciting and energising activities can leave me feeling very low afterwards - it is as if my brain is like a leaky petrol tank and needs refilled more often than most. This means taking time out to rest. My OCD  is good at the moment: Stress is a big trigger and if I pace myself well and don't have to face too many challenges - I am not bothered with intrusive thoughts or cyclical anxious thinking on a daily basis."

In saying that I did have a blip the other night. I had what felt like a migraine headache (I don't usually get them) and suddenly felt as if a wall of fear fell on top of me, heavy frightening thoughts of impending doom. As I lay in the dark, fully clothed and unable to move due to immense pain and acute nausea, I cried out to God and asked him to lift each fear off me. It was as if He moved among them and whilst reassuring me of his presence, discarded them as rubble. The pain did not leave instantly, but I felt more at peace in it.

So how am I now? Generally good I would say, with wobbly moments and although I would prefer to report that I am super-strong all of the time I can see that God uses my vulnerabilities to keep me humbly relying on Him.

Been feeling a bit worried about my last entry as I was feeling a bit morose when I wrote it. I don't want any of my readers to feel burdened by my entries, yet I do want to maintain my integrity and report on life as it is - authenticity is important to me. However do let me know if they ever seem too heavy!

Also I miss my friend who died recently, I still feel very sad that she took her own life and just wish she was still here. She was a great person.

The basic idea is that different groups/ churches would each run one prayer surgery every week, but together they would offer widespread prayer coverage for a locality. So for example if my Church offered a Wednesday morning prayer surgery maybe another church would run one on a Friday, another on Monday etc. Ideally slots for prayer could be booked on-line as well as drop-in slots. I would love to see prayer surgeries which would offer intercessions in many different languages and maybe possibly for different groups of people? (e.g you could a youth surgery or healing surgery where people are anointed with oil). Some surgeries could offer a creche so that mums could attend and basically regular prayer would be open to all. What do you think, do you think this would work or is there a need? 

It appeals to me because I really struggled to get regular prayer support when I had post-natal depression and I often felt desperate to meet, pray and cry with someone whilst I presented my requests to God and since the recent death of my friend I wonder is there a need for a more structured service for desperate Christians? (As my experience has taught me that rarely does desperation give advance notice therefore it can be hard to get prayer when we really need it.) Why not let us plan to 'be there' for those who are struggling to persevere, which would only be possible if we agree as Christians to work together!

However maybe this or something similar is already happening in your area? I am just trying to test if this is from God or if it is my own creation, thus I would be very grateful for your help as I sift this wee idea.

If you have checked my website for an entry in the last couple of months - I do apologise for my extended break, but it has been a tough couple of months and blogging just seemed out of my reach!

I always struggle with the logistics of Christmas, let's just say organisation skills have never been my strong point. However throw in a house move and I am well and truly challenged! Yet undoubtedly the most difficult thing for me in the last couple of months has been the suicide of a dear friend.

It has been difficult on so many levels: Primarily I miss her, as we shared a heartfelt resonance with each other  and I feel so sad that she felt this was the only course of action left for her. I saw her 2 days before her death and we discussed her struggle and thus I am left with the inevitable question ... "could I have done more?" 

However I have been helped by a book called Grieving a Suicide by Al Hsu published by IVP which discusses the various stages survivors of suicide can go through and deals with many questions which may arise in its wake.

So it has been a time where I have had to deal with one thing at a time and allow some things to be set aside. 

However if anything loosing my dear friend has not deterred me but merely strengthened my resolve to try to bring God's light into dark places. I know that despair is a formidable enemy but I believe it is possible to escape it's grip, however it does need to be taken seriously so if you or someone you know are feeling suicidal then please DO tell someone and seek immediate medical help. 

 

Finally I believe there are more things that we can do as a Christian community to help those facing despair's allure so keep an eye on this page and I will tell you about those very soon!

Also I have had a little flurry of activity related to the book, which comes with inevitable highs and lows of life! First of all it would be dishonest of me not to acknowledge that I had a rather humbling book launch in Edinburgh. The early warning signs were there, when on arrival before the event I was told that there were only 3 chairs available for folk to sit on, though little did I know at this early stage that this was in fact a prophetic word:) (In fact only 2 people came, though I could have sat on the other one!) It was tempting to let old words of failure in at this stage but thankfully this book has never been about numbers, if one person is significantly helped - that is good enough for me (though it would be nice if it helped more) and I really enjoyed chatting to those who came - thank-you.

Then last week I visited Torch Trust Retreat Centre at Hurstpierpoint. I received such a warm welcome and had such a lovely time with the guests, whilst sharing our stories that I left really encouraged.

Then yesterday I was involved in a local event on Spirituality and Mental Health organised by Hope's Place. Again folk responded generously to my brief chat about my experience Beyond the Edge and I sold another 25 copies. THANK-YOU so much for your generous response, it inspires me to keep talking about the struggle it can be - to be a Christian who is mentally ill. 

Interestingly we were challenged yesterday by one lady, who described herself as a 'service user' to consider that we are all at various stages of mental wellness or illness (rather than seeing some as mentally ill and others as healthy) but that we really struggle to admit that - particularly within 'the Church'. Since then I have been thinking about this. Certainly prior to my anxiety & depression I was pretty pious and did not like to think of myself as less than 100% strong. Yet now I look back on that notion as flawed: Even though my brush with depression and anxiety has left me more vulnerable mentally, (if I get overtired or stressed I can feel quite low or very anxious) I no longer view that as a weakness, in fact I think it takes more strength of character to keep living positively for God on an emotional rollercoaster. Finally the other encouraging fact is how God redeems our so say 'weaknesses' as promised, in 2 Corinthians 12:9 and I can honestly say that since I have started admitting them I have seen more evidence of God's power than ever before!

This past week has been full of highs and an odd low. Firstly, one week ago to-day I visited Torch Trust a Christian organisation that produces Christian literature in formats that blind and partially sighted people can read. I am thrilled that my book is being transcribed into a talking book and last week I was given the opportunity to read the introduction for this recording. 

Also I had the opportunity to be interviewed by Marilyn Baker for Premier Radio programme Insight. This interview should be broadcast on 16 & 23rd Nov. I really enjoyed meeting Marilyn again (we met when I was a child, through my parents links with Torch Trust) and was thrilled with the opportunity to talk with her. Over lunch we had an dynamic discussion on the accessibility of the church for people with visual impairments e.g. the challenges of spontaneous worship when led by the Spirit! I came home inspired to strive to make sure my church is accessible for people with visual impairments, through the Four Step Programme, as our conversation also reminded me of my own experience of feeling barred from church life (chapter 7 Beyond the Edge). However I was also challenged that Churches should strive for more than access, rather ensure that people with visual impairments, like all members of the church, should be fully included to use and develop their gifts within the life of the church. 

A few days later I attended the Mind and Soul Conference. The long and the short of it I was given the opportunity to plug my book to the 500 delegates. (I did wonder if my heart would stay in position prior to getting on stage, it felt as if it was about it make its own debut!) Afterwards I had the most wonderful response from people, mostly fellow sojourners, who warmly received my 2 minute account of my depression. I tell you the truth, it makes all the days when I was writing my manuscript in the library, including the weeping and rotting of the antique table, all worth while!

To-day I hit a slight low. Kindly my publisher entered me for a literary competition and to-day I heard I was not short-listed. I did not write for literary acclaim but I would be lying if I did not own up to some disappointment, but hey that is ok! I have had such an amazing week that I have no regrets. Thank-you to all who came and spoke to me at the conference and please dooooooo email (or comment using the box below) any thoughts or feelings on my book if you would like to: I sold 26 in one hour! Thank-you so much for your support and I hope that in some way you have found it helpful. x

Also at the moment we are trying to sell our house (think this decision proves that we do believe in miracles!) which has completely preoccupied my mind and absorbed my time. (Keeping it tidy ugh!)

Suffice to say it has been pretty "full on" recently and I thought I would also take this opportunity to mention a couple of other things I am involved in at the moment:

1. I am going to be involved in setting up a Post-Natal Depression Support group with colleagues from Hopes Place in the Greenaway Centre in Bristol. This group is starting early October 2008 so please do email me if you or someone you know is interested in coming along. I would really love to hear from you. The group will run for 6 weeks initially and we will be running a creche alongside this morning session. Costs have been covered by monies raised by Bluebell Day so we are just asking for a contribution of £1 towards tea and coffee.

2. Also soon I am going to have a book launch in Scotland. Crossreach (an excellent charity run by the Church of Scotland's Board of Social Witness) run a number of fantastic services for women with post-natal depression and they have very kindly agreed to support a launch of Beyond the Edge. Please check events page of this website for further details.

One thing I don't like about being too busy is that I feel as if the noise of my hectic world drones out God's still small voice, something which I normally rely on. The quiet reflective times in my day give me time to read, think, pray and worship and when life is too hectic I feel as if God needs a gong to get through to me! Yet God is gracious and as Elijah illustrates He is willing to speak to us in different ways (though I guess we do need to make time for Him): Sometimes He speaks through the spectacular and at other times in a gentle whisper.

Although it has been great to have been given the chance by IVP to get my writing published and to speak of it on the radio with Jeff and Ruth (even if I did get into a right old fuss about what to wear for the radio interview and ended up buying a top in Asda the night before at 10pm!) ... it is not always easy to think of people knowing my story: I am not proud of aspects of it, in fact in some ways it is hard to stand by my own truth. 

Yet when I turn my attention away from my feelings towards those who are suffering from similiar afflictions I feel differently: Only this evening did I visit a Christian friend in a secure mental health unit and suddenly my bruised ego melted away. Hearing the nurse's keys jangle as she walked the length of the ward towards me, to let me in, was enough to remind me that I narrowly missed hospital admission myself and how awful it is to be in a state of mental collapse.

I may smart at times with the sting of my story, but if it can act as a balm to soothe the aloneness and terror of another's mental turmoil - then it is totally worth it. 

(Photo as requested by Janmary, sorry don't have full length photo of dress!)

Likewise Steve had a good time in Rwanda, with his sister and dad, though his recently broken ribs (another unlikely story from the Rolston’s) did not appreciate the long bumpy roads!